New Moon: Abridged
by Twincestuous
Summary: NM, the crack version. Because somebody had to do it. Rated for cussing, stupidity, and overall content. CRACKCRACKCRACK.


"Bella, I don't want you anymore. I'm leaving," Edward said harshly.

"You don't want me? What kinda bull is that? I know you're a freaking vampire for crying out loud!" Bella shouted. He grimaced at the truth of the statement before continuing.

"I do want you to promise me, though. Keep yourself safe. For Charlie, of course," he said.

"For Charlie. Of course. 'Cause you know, it's not like you love me anymore. So, um, later!" Edward disappeared into the forest, the only trace he was ever there was the swirling of the leaves where he once stood.

"Oh. Oh. Oh. He really left!" Bella scrambled up and took off into the trees where she assumed he went— 'cause you know, she couldn't really see, what with the vampire speed and all. Suddenly she stopped.

"I HAVE A BETTER IDEA!" she announced, before picking up a sharp twig conveniently placed right in front of her.

"I will kill myself! I swear! I didn't listen to you! Nanannanananananna!" Hidden in the shadows, Edward watched her.

"She wouldn't dare.... OH SHIT! Bella! BELLA! I'M RIGHT FUCKING HERE! DON'T DO THAT! I'M RIGHT HERE YOU DUMBASS!" he yelled, as the first drop of her spilt blood landed on the earthy floor with a nearly inaudible _plop. _Inaudible to humans, of course. Because vampires have super awesome hearing and crap. FEAR THEIR SUPERIOR HEARING TALENT.

Edward watched the blood spill in slow motion, his vampire monster craziness/other personality threatening to take over.

"Bella!" he said, jumping out of the tree he was in. "I VILL DRINK YOUR _BLOOD!_"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Bella screamed, dropping the twig. "Noooooo! Don't hurt me, my smexy Noseferatu!"

When the hell did Bella turn to Raven?

"I'm sorry. I shall. It is too…_tempting._" Cue the evil, maniacal, creepy laugh as Edward suddenly had his hair slicked back with even _more_ gel into a Transylvanian look, and had a cape, with this really creepy look. Seriously people. Just imagine it. It would look fucking creepy.

And yes. I put creepy too many times. GET OVER IT.

And then there's this slow motion crap as creepy Edward and shocked Bella come closer… closer… closer….

"Oh, God dammit! Just bite her already!"

Suddenly they stop at the sound of a random voice echoing through the forest.

"Um…what the hell was that?"

"I don't know…it's as if…someone's…watching us."

Twilight Zone music plays.

"Ooh, hey, you got too distracted," Edward said, suddenly appearing behind Bella.

"What? OH MY GOD. OW. OW. YOU BITCH. THAT BURNS. LIKE A CUT. WITH SOAP IN IT. YOU BITCH."

And so, Edward sucked Bella's blood, returning home happily ever after to a family that hated him.

Well, that's kind of how we wished it happened…. The end really happened with something like this:

Edward ran to Bella, cape flying in the wind — not his hair. Too much grease to fly — and bit her, sucking her blood. And Bella…well she got strangely turned on by it.

"Oh, yes baby, suck my blood just like that!" Edward looked at her. And then…

"OH GOD. THE VENOM. I'M BECOMING A VAAMMPPIIRREE!"

"Oh yeah." And Edward quickly sucked the venom out, leaving Bella to pout like a five year old. "Never fear my love!! I shall bring you to CHARLIE! NOT THE UNICORN!"

"BUT THE UNICORN!!!"

With his supertastic vampire speed, Edward ran to Charlie's house, and stopped right in front of his face.

"How the hell did you get here so fast? And…and…WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WITH MY DAUGHTER?!"

"You see, I'm a vampire! And I drank some of Bella's delicious blood, leaving this bite mark and nearly turning her into one of us!" Charlie gave him a blank look.

"I…er..I mean. She fell! In the forest! ON A BITE SHAPED ROCK!! YEAH. BITE SHAPED ROCK."

"Eh. It could happen."

Then, a strangely familiar wolf came rushing up to the porch.

Jacob growled and began barking at Edward in various tones and snarls. After he was done, there was a moment of silence.

"Well, fuck you too!"

"Should I ask what just happened?" Charlie told Bella, blinking.

"Uh…Edward's a wolf-whisperer! It's part of his volunteer work."

"No kidding…. That kid's such a good influence on you. You should marry him."

"Dad, I fucking love you."

"Isn't that incest?"

RANDOM SCENE CHANGE.

Suddenly Bella was in a meadow. A strangely familiar meadow that was so cornfieldy creepy….

"Hey, am I back in Arizona? Hell yes! CARDINALS PWN THE WORLD!"

"I am afraid not, little Bellaaaaa," a creepy French accent said that had the name of Laurent. No, the accent was not named the Laurent. The guy with the accent was named Laurent. Sheesh, fucking incompetent people…

"HOLY SHIT IT'S A BLACK VAMPIRE — I mean, uh, _heyyyy_, Laurent. What's up? How're things with the blonde bimbo's sis?"

"Oh, it's great actually. We're adopting. We'd like to adopt you, Bella!"

"Gasp! Really? I'm so flattered! But I'm kind of like…18 now…"

Laurent got out a pocket watch, and began swinging it back and forth…back and forth…. Damn that shit's hypnotizing. Wait, that's the point…

"You are a little twelve-year old…. You will let me drink you vlood…"

"I am a little twelve-year old," she responded in a monotone voice, eyes trailing the pocketwatch. "I will let you drink my vlood…."

"YOUSAIDITYOUSAIDITYOUSAIDIT! HA! I TOLD YOU I'D GET DIBS VICTORIA!"

And off, from a far away voice, said, "You damn bastard! That was _my _revenge!"

Laurent grinned and rubbed his hands together like an evil pedophile as he stepped closer. Then, Bella came to her sense like a smart person, and started running. Then, Jacob, like an idiot, starts running _toward_ the vampire.

"Nooooo," Bella squealed as she ran. "He vill suck your vlood!!!"

HOLY BATMAN IT'S A WOLF.

Because Jacob FREAKING EXPLODED into a wolf! Anyone else see something wrong with that picture? It's like a dude running around with makeup and dolls *Cough Kankuro cough*

EXPLODED

HE EXPLODED, DUDE

Like, "Bam, bitch!"

"HOLY FREAKING CRAP! JACOB! YOU'RE A WOLF! AHHHHHH!" Bella screamed, running around in circles. Everything paused as Jacob and Laurent looked at each other.

"A sadistic vampire, fine!" Jacob starts.

"Me, whatever!" Laurent continues.

"Freaking insane vampire lover who wants to drink her blood and did twice, no big deal!" Jacob said.

"BUT HER BEST FRIEND'S A WOLF AND SHE FREAKING SCREAMS!" they shouted in unison. Bella's face falls into the ground, very anime style.

"What?" she says defensively. "It was one of Renee's phases. NARUTO, fuck the what!!"

"…I don't want to know."

"Say, Jacob, how did you change from wolf to human so fast with clothes on?"

"Um…who said anything about clothes?"

And there hung Jacob Jr., just hanging in the breeze, twitching every now and then. Bella stared at it for a little, then blinked.

"That seriously makes me think twice about choosing Edward," she said.

_Score one for Jacob…_

Edward popped out of nowhere and ripped off his clothes.

"_Now _what do you think?" he asked.

Bella looked at the two of them before saying, "Now there are no second thoughts. The sparkly dick wins. Hands on…I er, mean hands down." Edward smirked before disappearing again. Jacob turned back to Bella.

"Say, d'ya wanna…you know…touch it?" She stared at his face for a moment.

"Sorry. I'm saving myself for marriage, which I really am not engaged yet, but I do get engaged, and you fall in love with me, and then I have to save myself for Edward until marriage even though I don't wanna, and then we do get married, and we fuck like bunnies on this awesome private island, and then I have this baby who I name fucking _Renesmee_ and then I turn into a vampire finally and you imprint on my daughter and the Volturi wants to kill Renesmee and there's the whole big build-up to a battle that never happened."

Blink. Blink. Blink.

"Dude. Your author made millions off of _that_?"

"She's your author too, dumbass."

"…Hell."

"So..." Jacob said awkwardly. "Wanna go get some coffee or something?"

"Sure, I have nothing better to do," Bella said.

"Sorry. I'm more in the mood for Bella's blood." Laurent pounced on Bella and nearly bit her, but Jacob turned into super wolf *dundadadun* and attacked him.

"I shall stop you so the fair maiden will be safe and grant me her love in return!" Jacob said before viciously attacking him.

"So, Bella, will you — "

"No, I will not have sex with you because you saved my life."

"…Dammit."

"But thanks anyway."

"I'm so not saving your little virgin ass again."

"I have a smexy vampire to save me, so pwnzar!"

Blink.

"I don't wanna know what the hell you just said, but have fun."

Jacob walked away, back to his house like a block away… Wait. WTF? HIS HOUSE IS A BLOCK AWAY FROM THE MEADOW? WHAT THE SHIT?

Laurent progressed towards Bella, a creepy smile on his face. Bella noticed and started backing away.

"Uhh…smexy vampire…where the hell are you? GODDAMNIT EDWARD."

"Oh, _Be-lla_!" Alice sang, suddenly in the meadow.

"Alice…?" Bella asked confused.

"Come _on_! We have to go shopping! And get clothes, and shoes, and more clothes, and more shoes, and jewelry, and lingerie! Ooh! LOTS of lingerie! Come on!"

" 'scuse me, but we're in the middle of something."

"You can come too!"

"SAVE YOURSELF!"

"Uhh…I'd rather not." Alice narrowed her eyes at Laurent.

"Aw _hell _naw! I KNOW you did not just turn down a shopping trip. I was going to buy you some lingerie! Oh, after I'm done killing you I'm sending you to the blonde bimbo's sister, with a note saying you refused lingerie and she'll kill you again!" Laurent's eye twitched before he ran for his life…existence…whatever while Alice chased him.

Bella stood in the middle of the meadow, alone.

"EDWARD, DON'T ABANDON ME!!" she shrieked.

"REAL NICE BELLA!" Alice said, miles away where she was chasing Laurent. "YOU DON'T CARE IF _I _ABANDON YOU!"

"ISABELLA MARIE SWAN, IF YOU CUT YOURSELF ONE MORE TIME, I'LL FREAKING KILL YOU MYSELF!" Edward screamed from the tree he was in. 'Cause you know, Edward likes to spy on her. A lot. Pervert…

"No, my smexy love machine, don't kill me! We still need to make our half vampire baby! Unless you want to try that now…"

"Isabella. Marie. Swan. I swear, if you undress yourself…" Edward said, trailing off as she hastily put back on her jacket and re-did the buttons on her shirt.

"Don't gotta be mean about it! God, Emmett was right! You are a prissy virgin vampire."

"Coming from the weak virgin human."

"Only because my prissy virgin vampire won't have sex with me."

"Because you're a weak virgin human!"

"Because you won't change me into a vampire!"

"HA! YOU DIDN'T CALL ME A PRISSY VIRGIN VAMPIRE! I WIN!!!"

"Oh yeah? Well how 'bout we have a competition? The stupidest things we've ever done," Bella said smugly.

"Are you sure?" Edward asked, sure he could win and Bella nodded. "I peeked on you when you were in the shower."

"What the hell? When did you do that?" Edward gave no answer. "I…" Bella paused dramatically.

"I cut myself in front of Jasper. JUST FOR FUN."

"…You win."

"Oh and Edward? That was not stupid. And you so are a prissy virgin vampire." Edward frowned.

"Yeah? Well, what the hell's the matter with you anyway? Your best friend is a werewolf, your boyfriend's a vampire, you cut yourself in front of said vampire's brother, what's next? You're teacher is a mermaid? You're like some sadist/masochist half-breed!" Bella opened her mouth to reply. "AND DON'T START ABOUT OUR VAMPIRE BABY!" Her mouth closed again.

"…Meanie."

YET ANOTHER RANDOM SCENE CHANGE

_Why did Edward have to disappear for these supposed "plot" purposes? Wait…plot sounds like pot…EDWARD WENT TO GO SMOKE POT. WITHOUT ME. OMG._

"OPEN SESAME, DAMNIT!!!"

There was lots of frantic pounding on the door, and Bella could vaguely hear Alice's voice telling her to "open up this damn door before she went insane."

"Hmm," Bella wondered. "Should I open it?"

"YES YOU SHOULD YOU DAMN DUMBASS. YOUR IDIOT EDWARD JUST GOT TAKEN TO ITALY."

Immediately Bella opened up the door and grabbed Alice by the shirt.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN HE GOT TAKEN TO ITALY???"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN WHAT THE HELL DO I MEAN?!?!? IS YOUR CRAPPY HUMAN HEARING THAT BAD?! HE. GOT. TAKEN. TO. ITALY. As in abducted, kidnapped, seized, snatched—"

"…You really need to stop reading the thesaurus."

"Heh heh, moo."

"NO! Must. Stay. Focused! Gotta get to Italy!"

"How?"

"How the hell do you think?"

"…I dunno."

"Plane, Alice. A plane."

"And how does geometry help us?"

"Just forget it!"

And so Bella and Alice caught a plane — that was not in a geometry book. No, nope, no coordinate planes here, just a REAL LIVE PLANE. GET IT? Good.

And after they got off the REAL PLANE, NOT A COORDINATE PLANE they stole a car. A very shiny and sparkly and so-epicly-sparkly-it-just-makes-you-want-to-_squeeeeeaaaaalllll_.

"OMG THE SHINY."

"Shiny later, Bella, right now we gotta move."

"Aww."

They drove down to Volterra, in Italy — when was that city ever even made? — and Alice discussed the plan on the way there.

"Okay, so when we see Edward, we're gonna shoot him down with the harpoon gun," she said in a very serious tone.

"Um…what harpoon gun?"

"YOU DIDN'T BRING IT?"

"Dude, when are we eva gonna need a harpoon gun?"

"Uh, how about RIGHT NOW, ya dumbass!" Alice sighed. "Okay, since you're INCOMPETENT, we'll just have to track him down and hope he's in a good FUCKING mood."

"A good fucking mood? I like that."

"A good fucking mood it is. Now get your fat ass out of the car and RUN. RUN TO SAVE YOUR ICKLE EDDIEKINS!"

"Hey, I'm not _that _fat, I mean, that's not nice. Alice, why-"

"GO."

And Bella went as fast as she could. Not that fast, of course, compared to a vampire. And the effect was kinda ruined, seeing as she fell on her face multiple times, but it's the thought that counts.

"MOVE!" Bella screeched as she ran. "GET OUT MY WAY. GET OUT MY WAY."

Bella magically found Edward right before he hit the sunlight, after pushing her way through a crowd of people in red-cult-like cloaks, wading through a fountain for NO apparent reason, and SOMEHOW smashing into him and knocking him back.

"YAY I'M DEAD!" he exclaimed before hugging her.

She sneezed. "Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit."

SHWINGGG (that means scene change, in case you're inept and didn't realize)

"Jane. Please, please, _please_ stop trying to torture me. It obviously is _not working_," Bella said.

"I don't know what you are talking about," Jane replied sadistically.

"Jane, we all know you know _exactly_ what she is talking about!" Alice said.

"What the—_Alice?_ When the hell did you get here?" Edward said.

"Exactly five minutes, 32 seconds ago," she replied matter-of-factly. "_Duh_, Edward."

"You really should pay more attention to your surr-" At that moment, one Demetri of the Volturi guard walked straight into a sword.

"Ironic," Felix said dully.

"Why the hell are we here anyway?"

"I dunno. I just got abducted by the Volturi and decided killing myself would help me escape."

"Wow, Edward, that was genius! EXCEPT YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN FRICKIN DEAD."

"Not the best thought out plan, huh?"

There was silence as they walked.

"Sooooo, how's the weather here?" Bella asked.

GLARE.

OF.

DEATH.

"Never mind…"

"EDWARD, ALICE, THE REST OF YOU!"

"Edward, who's the pedophile?" Bella whispered.

"I doth think that was Aro." Bella looked at him. "Whhhaaaatttt?" Bella looked at him some more.

"Freak."

"Edward, my dear, where is it?" this so-called Aro said.

PAUSE.

_So called Aro? So that's not his real name?_

**No, that's really it.**

_So then why'd you say 'so-called?'_

**Fine, I'll change it to 'Aro said.' Happy?**

_Very much so._

CONTINUE.

"Edward, my dear, where is it?" Aro said.

"Where's what?" he asked, "innocently." He looked from side to side, as if he was being suspicious.

"YOU KNOW."

"Uh-uh!"

"THE POT, EDWARD. THE POT."

"THERE WAS NO POT."

"DON'T LIE TO ME."

"So you WERE smoking pot without me!" Bella exclaimed.

"I said I left you for _the plot._ PLOT."

"Which ultimately sounds like pot!" Edward sighed.

"Edward here was smoking the best pot," Aro said, glaring. "AND HE DIDN'T SHARE IT!"

"I know, right?!" Bella said. "THAT IS NOT COOL."

"I HAVE NO P-GACK!" Edward was cut off by a certain little pixie-vampire suddenly jumping on his back.

"Bella SEARCH HIM!!!!" she screamed. Bella ran over to him and patted him down fully. Completely fully. Like no mistakes. And lingering in a certain area…

"DAMNIT. HE SMOKED IT ALL."

"FUCK YOU EDWARD. NOW WE'RE GONNA KILL BELLA 'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T SHARE," Aro said.

"WHAT?! NO, THAT'S FOR WHEN I GET OFF OF MY HIGH!"

"So then change her, retard, and never smoke the good stuff without sharing again." And Edward, like the dumbbutt he is agrees.

And so, after the case of the "YOU NEED TO SHARE THE GOOD POT, YOU BASTARD" crises was solved, Edward returned to Forks, Jake was blown off, and we go into the next book with only a little less excruciatingly painful plot cliches. Hope you had fun getting your brain melted by this crap we call a crack fic.


End file.
